employee of the month!

my brother-from-another-mother, scott, let his new york show during a recent phone call. only he could get away [i just don't have these kind of balls] with this exchange...at work!

a phone rings at his office...

scott: hello?
caller: yes, can i speak to...
scott: yes, who's calling?
caller: it's so and so...
scott: and this is in regards to...
caller: what the fuck? is this 20 fucking questions. can you just put him on the phone!


CLICK !

phone rings again

caller: did you just hang up on me?
scott: yes, i did. because you were talking to me like i won't come over there and kick your ass.

CLICK !

phone rings again

caller: i'm sorry
scott: hey, i'm just trying to do my job.
caller: i know. it's just really crazy here...

so not only does he hang up, on someone who could've easily been the president of the firm, he doesn't let that jerk off get away with it, threatens him AND then gets that mofo to call back and apologize! that's the kind of guy i want on my team! hooray!

happy birthday to our charming rebel

that's me in the corner with the halo. not! ma said i had a stink face because it was YOUR birthday party (your 1st no less) and not MINE. diva!

well, i can promise you, i don't have a stink face about it now. i love that it's your birthday! i wanna throw a birthday party fit for a cake maniac like yourself! for now, instead of cakes piled high, you get all these words all over this page. each one a hug and kiss from your sister in california who wishes she was joining y'all in your adventures today (excluding the time share lecture...f*ing amateur!).

here's to all the years since your birth and to all the ones to come! cheers my love!

tabs ni tabs ni tabs kita!

city so nice, they named it twice

traveling to new york with my brother was an awesome experience. our sister, g, has lived back east for the better part of the last ten years. will's fear of flying has kept him grounded on the west coast. he wanted to travel and invariably would suggest a road trip. of which, we sisters, would then invariably say no can do.

g's wedding in vegas provided the opportunity to take his maiden voyage. he couldn't miss this and there just wasn't enough time to spend driving. the two hour flight gave him enough confidence to make the trek east. hooray! while the iron was still hot and the fares low, a trip was booked. he was cornered with a non-refundable fare.

our departing flight was with its bumps but easy. babies slept and so did will. i was relieved for him and proud of him.

the moment we touched down we raised our eyebrows at each other as if to alert new york, "it's on!" everyone applauded and quickly shot up towards the over head bins. we walked off the plane feeling rejuvenated. our pace quickened as each of our sluggish cells absorbed the realization that, finally, we were in new york m-fing city! not to mention safely back on the ground. our cells do not get it twisted.

the last thing my mom told me at the airport (and mind you, i am grown) was something she often said when we were latch key kids, "take care of him, ok."

instead of groaning as i might of as a kid, i welcomed it. his firsts we're feeling like my firsts. it was going to be a new, new york.

los banditos want you to know

trippin down the aisle: on your mark, get set...

sister bandito (who, henceforth, will be referred to as g zill; short for g zilla, bandito-ized from bridezilla) is getting married. she ain't no fool, our mama didn't raise any of those. g zill said hell-to-the yes, to one of the dopest, doper than dope persons evar (but you didn't hear that from me). she found our bandito from anotha' motha'.

for immediate release:

" 'merica's favorite love team have done it and out done themselves again! you fell in love with love again with their classics "you had me at yo!" and "coco! cherry! mango! a vendor cries." well prepare to be moved again! they are "tearing-their-hair-out-by-the-roots" excited to be bringing "A Very Special Bandito Wedding" to a chapel near you this summer."

{ whoa, hold up, i need to slow my roll, for i just wrote THIS and SUMMER about a bandito wedding.

i've started a list (on a long, parchment scroll) and am adding these two words (w/my big feather pen, quill to you nerdoz ) to it. on said list are phrases that (1) i have either never said before (and wasn't joking) and/or (2) can't believe i'm saying them now regarding either myself or siblings and/or (3) potential draft picks. some recent additions have been:

:: her new last name
:: strapless dress
:: your husband
:: you're going to be somebody's wife! YOU!
:: actually, according to etiquette
:: frank cushman

ok, roll has been slowed. onward... }

the nut jobs zany love team are presently coordinating the reception party of the century themselves. team work makes the dream work! (cue epic chest bump).

our extended fam is such that i can't sneeze in the yay area without hearing 'cover yo mouf' or 'illlllllll!' from a cousin. with all these folks hooking up, making mad mix babies and constantly extending the fam, you'd think we'd know our way around the wedding block. i'm talking about weddings that bring together two people that afford themselves time to plan. time not just for ordering invitations but save the date's as well (wtf? would be grunted out by a few of the tribe members. wtf, a save the date? logic being that the invitation has a date, you best just save it) time for planning a reception, maybe even pick a theme! time to conceptualize and plan a celebration and not just plan to get this biznazz handled before the baby drops and is then doomed to an eternal existence in purgatory because its parents were unmarried sinners (you know what i'm talkin bout...mom! jokes only). what's a girl like me to say other than, sorry chuck d, i believe the hype (the hype of loooorve)!

most of our coordination experience has been limited to, finding out who can rent a cargo van (or drive their own cause we've still got a few those in our midst) so that we may caravan our asses up to reno real quick (and that's exactly how the words would roll out, real and quick). it wouldn't (and hasn't) surprise me if i were to get a call from a tribe member telling me (in fact i'm half expecting to get one now, as i've put out that out in the universe), i need to get my hair did cuz we bout to go to reno 'real quick' and have us a wedding. unfazed still, i'll be when i find myself at circus circus playing the role of a "brat whisperer" because all the parents want to be single actin'. i'll feel that it's just another day at the office (that is my fam) as i talk down some of the wild animals nieces + nephews from the motorcycle cage and tell the others to kindly keep the water pointed at the clown's mouth and not my shoes thankyouverymuch.

the love team edumacated themselves and have been systematically crossing items off their planning list. when etiquette said to send their save the date cards, they did. some of the tribe, ok, one tribe member grabbed that shizz as if it were a baton and they had suddenly found themselves as anchor on the 4x400m relay team and ran like hell. excited (as they should be), they they purchased flights for themselves and their +1 (totally fine). but then engaged warp speed, sweeping beads of etiquette from their brow (not fine) by then also purchasing tickets for the +1's three kids. and oh yeah, g learned of this second hand (so not fine). and oh yeah again, the ink on the invitations (which may or may not allow kids; they will be but they didn't know that) hasn't even dried let alone be mailed. in this race, moving ahead of g zill gets you g zola! trust.

g zill could not google how to handle this situ any quicker than it did for her to take her shoes off and get into an 'OH no you dinn't' stance. etiquette came through again. for according to it, you can address your intended guest and remind them that you are paying for each guest and that it reasonable to ask that the invitation not be extended beyond that (give an islander an inch, a sample, a freebie, a discount and we'll run the hell into the jungle with it).

my spidey sense (crucial for any maid of honor worth her weight in taffeta) told me that g zill was feeling like big worm perm,"playing with my money is like playin' with my emotions." if i've learned anything from their wedding experience thus far, it's that you do not play with either of those, for there's often plenty of one and not enough of the other.

"whatevs, it's vegas," i offer, "they (the uninvited) can find other things to do. you know...like fuck themselves."

jungle gym 002

will says that he would never buy plastic weights because the saying IS pumping iron and NOT pumping plastic.

{what weighs more, a pound of feathers? or a pound of shit?}

most important meal of the day

last night, in a cab

bro: i had the best breakfast the other morning?
me: word? what was it?
bro: i had a banana and an orange.
me: wow.
bro: i felt like a gorilla
me: why? did you eat the peels?

turns out it was because he was in a tire swing.

sike.

__________

our childhood ride was a 1980 dodge ram van. on the console between my driver dad and mom was an inspiring sticker. it was a large square w/a hologram, glittery border. i considered it to be one of those fancy stickers that cost like .75 from a 7-11 machine. what made it fancy was that you had to either lay down the quarters or do them in separate pushes. it featured a naked lady w/awesome chola hair laying in a bowl. and using the same glittery hologram effect it said, breakfast of champions.

i didn't always understand what that meant. initially i liked the shininess of the sticker. then i tripped out on the adult size bowl she laid in, sometimes asking, where can i get one of those? when i finally got it, i regretted it. bleh. words (and pictures) of wisdom from dear ole' dad.

__________

lately my breakfasts have been protein bars and fruits (zzz). this is a far cry than most of the breakfasts i've had in my adult life, you know air pudding and nothing pie. but i am convert now to 'breaking the fast'. i really do have more energy and strength for those morning workouts. with that, here are some bits from my breakfast hall of fame...

#2 at mickey dee's, sausage mc muffin w/egg, hash brown, oj
i used to think i could/would eat this all day every day once i grew up. it's my favorite fast food breakfast evar. still is.

dad's pancakes. maybe your old man would toss in some bananas or berries. mine did that but there were also mornings he'd throw in some langka (jack fruit to you 'mericans) or macapuno strings (mutant coconut strings!) in the mix. yumski island style.

farina w/lumps and uncle ramon's oatmeal. we'd beg my uncle to make his oatmeal at all times of the day. it was loaded with condensed milk, butter, sugar...hey uncle, can we get some oatmeal with our cholesterol?

pandesal and cocoa at my grandma's house. now dip baby dip.

banana bread french toast at de lessio and the french toast at the pork store

cereal milk. especially after fruity or cocoa pebbles and cinnamon toast crunch. lactose intolerance be damned!

i like dipping my sausage into syrup (snicker, snicker). i do not like mc griddles. i know two people that have eaten it and they both threw up. that's enough feedback, up chuck whatevs for me.
__________

what the french, toast?!


__________

"i may be up but i'm not awake."

that's what i told bf as he started chattin me up yester morn. look into my shark eyes and you'll see zzz's. my name is dopez and i am a morning monster. i come from a family of m.m. even niece extraordinaire has been known to have an attitude in the am.

we are night creatures by habit and conditioning. at night, i don't so much go to bed as i surrender to sleep. clock watching, calculating...if i go to sleep now i will get x amount hours of sleep and then immediately negotiate if i really need that many. however, it's not uncommon that one of my first thoughts upon waking is how much i can't wait to get back here (here being sleep in davy jones' locker 20 m-fing leagues under the sea).

los banditos were all born in the wee hours of the am and it's been said it was the last time we ever naturally got up early. ma dukes would wake us up to get ready for school and then hop in the shower. without even looking at each other in our shared room, we collectively knew we could each sleep until the shower turned off. and when it did, nascar got nathan on us.

there's this scene in married to the mob in which matthew modine gets up and slides into his already prepared clothes and shoes. my childhood (hell adolescence and adulthood) so needed that.

morning monsters don't like too move quickly upon waking but we will. we will move to avoid talking to anyone for its talking that will drive a m.m. over the edge.

my bf and my sis's bf have on occasion felt the need to form a support group, partners of morning monsters (pmm). a forum for which they could share battle scars, the frustrations of living with a clock master (one who is constantly advancing the time and snoozing), a safe harbor for the people who actually get up when the alarm goes off.

we don't ever mean to be mean. we're sleep! we call later when the thaw has worn off and apologize but with no promise that it will not happen again. i for one am just not drawn that way.
______________

this morning, as my bus turned the corner, all us passengers watched this guy posted in a doorway lighting up his crack pipe. all smiles.all casual. we passengers grimace. a few doors down from him is another cat chilling in a doorway. this one has his hood pulled all the way over his face. he doesn't raise a match but a finger and flips us all off. the finger steady in the air for every last person to take in. we passengers smile.

los banditos

los banditos, collectively, are me and my siblings. in birth order (but not birth names) it's me (dopez), willardo and virginia. we are close in age, with each of us about two years apart and four separating me and g. we have also been known as the 'children of the dark' because of our morning monster steez and late late hours (even as kids!).

we love, understand, push, infuriate, tease, take care and generally fack with each other in ways that not just your family, but specifically your siblings, are want to do. they amaze me every day and are two of the closest people to me on this here whole planet. i thank all my lucky stars and rub all the buddah bellies, every day, for these two.

the stories stack high and the inside jokes go deep (just like your mom) for the banditos. from time to time, i'll share 'em here. they say it's ok to do so but i know better. they say ok now but given the opportunity they won't hesitate to either force feed me pudding (true story) or put a spider in my purse. whatevs. i was born first and this is how i roll.

bandito highlights from this week:

many have pointed out that our brother looks like t.i. he does. he's got all the girls at his regular jamba juice whispering. his daughter (niece extraordinaire) translates the girl speak and promptly tells him, "those girls like you." he responds, "i wish i had that t.i. money."

recently he was riding the bus when a stank ass wino got on (oh city living!). i'm sure this cat had them straight up black wavy stink lines coming off of him. steamy! everyone sighed and groaned. they were all sending their best telepathic signals to keep this dude moving. with the whole back row to himself, will is chillang. he's got his ipod on low and sitting in his favorite seat, the center (more leg room he says). stank ass is slowly making his way up the aisle. he looks to his left. he looks to his right. he's mumbling as he eye balls each passenger. "i ain't gon sit next to you" he says in the general direction of this woman. fack yous and other garbled sounds are heard when he finally decides and says, "i'm gon go sit next to t.i."

will couldn't help but laugh and let that stank man have a seat.

__________

our sister is getting married next summer. {whoa. i just stared at that sentence for hella long. because we're so close in age, i've never thought of either of them as my baby brother or sister. it's only been with all this wedding talk that i've been thinking of her as little. this giant grown ass woman step makes her seem small. when we talk about it i seriously picture her elementary school self, sitting on the bottom bunk eating cereal but with a veil on! ha, in real life, while she was eating said cereal our cat jumped in through the window and started drinking the milk. oh how g cried. she hadn't quite developed her appreciation for interspecies mingling. she must've been real young because had she been older (read more aggro) she might've taken that same bowl and just thrown it against the wall.}

anyway, the marriage and wedding it's all bombayla. they are working on the details themselves. here's a message i got from her earlier

so i'm starting to look at "bridal" shoes (YUCK) since you know about shoes and shit....do you know of any that don't look like they are from Mission St? heehee i'm in jerk mode after looking at helluva them and they all look the same and they all seem kinda stumpy-licious. and them dyeable joints scare me and my toes. labs ni labs

i love her sense of sentimentality.
__________

i didn't have my halloween costume until the day of. in a panic i had asked my brother for suggestions. he writes back

you can never go wrong with being an animal

he was going to be a girl aka willina. he ended being a ninja aka shinobi. he was putting on his mask in the lobby of bossy's apartment when a lady neighbor came up on him. he immediately said, "it's OK! it's halloween." fool. he proceeds upstairs where he ding dong ditched us! i swear he was on the ceiling as bossy stuck her head in the hallway looking both ways for this nutjob.

during our halloween/antm soiree we're chillang and talking and shinobi decides to tumble on us. his goal was to fall and roll as silently as possible. now you see him, now he's in your lap. afterwards, he asked,
"what were you guys talking about when i rolled in front of you?"
"i don't even know now because i was startled so. you were in the convo don't you know?"
"no, i was too busy thinking about my timing and spacing i didn't even hear what you guys were saying."
"nice one, shinobi."

even later that night, we're walking my dag 'round the park. he is in full costume. this fool, will not dag, was hiding behind trees and trying to creep up on me the whole time. ugh. thankfully the police that roll through the 'hood didn't shoot him for almost attacking me. will says, "of course not because they can't even see me!" as if.