fun slide

i had seen a picture of the fun slide in the newspaper and immediately wanted to check it out. i had never been down a slide like it in my life. the slide had just been set up at the sf giants fair.

once at the fair, i start checking out their operation. it's much taller than i expected but i'm ok. it's a bunch of kids slip sliding down. wait, is it only kids?

to get to the top, you have to climb, single file, up this rickety metal staircase. the kind that you can see through and see the sky and ground.

we're in line. my normal pre-ride anxieties start firing off. nothing new. then auntie buzzy buzzerson gets in line behind us. bb is a 20-something female and appears to be accompanying a nephew type person. she speaks. i get buzzed. i want her to simmer because i've got stairs to climb in front of a lot of people.

the nephew type creature is startled to find out that buzzy is going up the slide, too. he says she's going to break it. the floor beneath me bottoms out as i'm heavier than she is. i try to turn and wiggle out of line. i try to be joe cool about this because the whole ride over, all i could talk about was getting down that slide. and now here we are, about to ascend the stairs and i'm trying to do the ole sliparoo. dood, i could not fathom getting to the head of the line only to be turned away (catastrophic thinking).

buzzy asks sprays the operator with her booze fumes by asking, "is there a weight limit?"

he shakes his head. his eyes go dead. he doesn't understand what she's saying.

so louder always helps right? "IS THERE A WEIGHT LIMIT? LIKE I DON'T WANT TO BREAK IT"

he says, "no, there is no wait."
she, "NO. IS THERE A WEIGHT limit"
he, "no, there is no wait."

d stops the foolishness by putting that spanish to work. phew! no weight, or wait...we're next.

i just kept my head down walking up those stairs. i knew that i was going to be in for quite a view when i got to the top. my legs jelly at the height.

derrick plops down and throws me the deuces. down the slide he goes. my mouth is agape.

the top of the slide carnie hands me what looks like car flooring material. like car flooring that was ripped out this afternoon.

ok. so i'm just going to sit on this here edge with this fabric that i'd swear was car flooring and gooo....

dooooowwwwwn i went. this shit is slippery. the first bump almost launched me off the slide! i have a mini heart attack mid air. this is not like eating a peppermint patty refreshing. i tried to apply the brakes but that was pointless. i'm like in an old timey car and i just pulled the steering wheel off feeling. my momentum has me swerving into another lane. another mini coronary. i try to steer with the car upholstery fabric. i'm trippin. this ain't in no m-fing bobsled. this is a turquoise and pink m-fing slide!

i make it to the bottom and step lively. i'm cracking up. i am quick to use the word harrowing. no shame.

{ doper than dope }